http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq2W-b2nMYI
I had the following conversation with mom a little less than a month ago
Me: I just feel... dead, since that day.
Mom: That's normal, Andrew. Part of you dies when someone else dies. But you're still here.
Me: No, Mom, you don't get it! I died on June 17, 2009!
I seem to be alive. My heart seems to be working, my lungs are breathing, and I'm here writing this blog. However, it's like 3:20 in the morning.
I can't fucking sleep. I lost the ability to sleep okay ever since she died. Even when I exercise myself into exhaustion I lie there eyes wide open. It's getting worse. It's 3:20 in the morning and a host of demons is keeping me awake. I had a coffee and a coke during and after dinner, and caffeine can make me a little restless.
But these days, it doesn't make a difference. Sleep is nearly impossible no matter what.
I can't really eat either. I'm not an anorexic. I don't put myself into self-mutilating expectations of perfection through death and live for the pang of hunger. There is simply no pang of hunger. Today, I ate 3 donuts and had a few glasses of milk, and that's it until dinner. I went out with my dad, and at that point I was actually feeling hungry, so I wolfed down hot and sour soup, a sushi item called Dragon Ball (i had never ordered something so fast in my life), and whatever Dad couldn't finish of his meal, then went to Las Vetas and said hi to the pretty girl working there and got me a big cupcake! Sometimes I get hungry. Other times the idea of eating is just not appetizing. Mom says dying people are like that.
At what point does it stop being life and start being walking death?
I guess I "accepted" Emma's death a few weeks ago. I was with a friend who, as much as I love her, had no idea what she was talking about. She tried to tell me that I wasn't even trying to fight my grief. Anyone who hasn't talked to me this past year would probably agree with her based on what they know - however I'm not here to please them, I know I'm right, and I know that I was fighting it. However, what she said made me wonder - can I actually finish this off? I had come under the impression that there would be no end to this torment.
And it happened like a wind blowing over me... her burial. She was dead in the ground. And I walked on. Although it still pains me greatly that Emma's dead, I don't think about her ALL THE TIME like I used to. I get up and think about whatever, and practice and stuff. I'd say I think about her once every, half hour or so?
But what creature walked out of the graveyard? Not a Father Mackenzie, wiping the dirt off his hands. It doesn't work like that for people.
I'm different. Spiteful. With self-esteem, but a great deal of rage and enmity towards things in general. A lot of malice, a lot of misery. The capacity for optimism, but a great well of agony within.
It's not like Emma's the only thing that really bothers me. I have however many years middle/high school was of being treated like a retard by everyone under my belt, my home life is in tatters, and I actually do have Asperger's (it's mild autism) so I get a headache whenever I walk across a room.
I have the tools to overcome all the misery that was basically all I know... I think I can come back to life.
But look what this did to me. Look at what I am. I'm more like her than I am like you.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
unnatural
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAq8TKSS8FY summarizes me right now. the music, not the lyrics, of course :)
....
my old friends are all coming back from college this week. last year i would have been like ahhh ohmygoddd!! but that was last year.
what's different between now and then? the end of emma von euler. and my being unnatural as a result.
even when my best friend came back from college in october, i was counting the days down. now i'm really not, even though she's back tomorrow.
what's different between now and then? the fact that death is irreversible. and the fact that my unnaturalness is the same way.
yesterday, I went to a memorial thing at FLHS for Emma dearest. about 10 minutes of it was people singing things and playing things and doing things. all of it, like the poisonously natural air around me, was just one big haze. but then the other 10 minutes of it was unscheduled, it was Mr. von Euler's turn to speak.
his voice had a powerful inflection to it. it was the voice of someone who has been ripped to pieces. it was the same tone of my voice that goes on in my internal monologue constantly. it was an unnatural tone. it was beautiful, it was the first time something in your world occurred that I, despite my being unnatural, actually understood.
drunk with unnaturalness, I met Emma's parents, and walked off to Las Vetas to get a shake to cool off. so inebriated was i with the unnaturalness of the man's voice and the unnaturalness of why we had to have a memorial in the first place that I would occasionally stop walking to try to take it in. during one of these interludes, I felt a natural touch on my shoulder. it was my natural friend, and we naturally helped each other out.
in the end, parts of me are still human. my body is still that of a human (unless you consult Leviticus or Cure Autism Now), and it's wired for natural things. like love, happiness, friendship.
but my mind is more and more unnatural these days, and doesn't understand natural things. it wants one thing, and one thing alone - emma von euler. the rest is nothing.
for reasons entirely unknown to me, i practiced today. i guess i was made stronger from both my unnatural and natural parts connecting with the world yesterday. it felt horrible, like I was being disemboweled all over again, as the unnatural emotions came forth.
it is my goal to be a musician in life, and i guess that means I must embrace the unnatural.
:\
....
my old friends are all coming back from college this week. last year i would have been like ahhh ohmygoddd!! but that was last year.
what's different between now and then? the end of emma von euler. and my being unnatural as a result.
even when my best friend came back from college in october, i was counting the days down. now i'm really not, even though she's back tomorrow.
what's different between now and then? the fact that death is irreversible. and the fact that my unnaturalness is the same way.
yesterday, I went to a memorial thing at FLHS for Emma dearest. about 10 minutes of it was people singing things and playing things and doing things. all of it, like the poisonously natural air around me, was just one big haze. but then the other 10 minutes of it was unscheduled, it was Mr. von Euler's turn to speak.
his voice had a powerful inflection to it. it was the voice of someone who has been ripped to pieces. it was the same tone of my voice that goes on in my internal monologue constantly. it was an unnatural tone. it was beautiful, it was the first time something in your world occurred that I, despite my being unnatural, actually understood.
drunk with unnaturalness, I met Emma's parents, and walked off to Las Vetas to get a shake to cool off. so inebriated was i with the unnaturalness of the man's voice and the unnaturalness of why we had to have a memorial in the first place that I would occasionally stop walking to try to take it in. during one of these interludes, I felt a natural touch on my shoulder. it was my natural friend, and we naturally helped each other out.
in the end, parts of me are still human. my body is still that of a human (unless you consult Leviticus or Cure Autism Now), and it's wired for natural things. like love, happiness, friendship.
but my mind is more and more unnatural these days, and doesn't understand natural things. it wants one thing, and one thing alone - emma von euler. the rest is nothing.
for reasons entirely unknown to me, i practiced today. i guess i was made stronger from both my unnatural and natural parts connecting with the world yesterday. it felt horrible, like I was being disemboweled all over again, as the unnatural emotions came forth.
it is my goal to be a musician in life, and i guess that means I must embrace the unnatural.
:\
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