unnatural

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAq8TKSS8FY summarizes me right now. the music, not the lyrics, of course :)

....

my old friends are all coming back from college this week. last year i would have been like ahhh ohmygoddd!! but that was last year.

what's different between now and then? the end of emma von euler. and my being unnatural as a result.

even when my best friend came back from college in october, i was counting the days down. now i'm really not, even though she's back tomorrow.

what's different between now and then? the fact that death is irreversible. and the fact that my unnaturalness is the same way.

yesterday, I went to a memorial thing at FLHS for Emma dearest. about 10 minutes of it was people singing things and playing things and doing things. all of it, like the poisonously natural air around me, was just one big haze. but then the other 10 minutes of it was unscheduled, it was Mr. von Euler's turn to speak.

his voice had a powerful inflection to it. it was the voice of someone who has been ripped to pieces. it was the same tone of my voice that goes on in my internal monologue constantly. it was an unnatural tone. it was beautiful, it was the first time something in your world occurred that I, despite my being unnatural, actually understood.

drunk with unnaturalness, I met Emma's parents, and walked off to Las Vetas to get a shake to cool off. so inebriated was i with the unnaturalness of the man's voice and the unnaturalness of why we had to have a memorial in the first place that I would occasionally stop walking to try to take it in. during one of these interludes, I felt a natural touch on my shoulder. it was my natural friend, and we naturally helped each other out.

in the end, parts of me are still human. my body is still that of a human (unless you consult Leviticus or Cure Autism Now), and it's wired for natural things. like love, happiness, friendship.

but my mind is more and more unnatural these days, and doesn't understand natural things. it wants one thing, and one thing alone - emma von euler. the rest is nothing.

for reasons entirely unknown to me, i practiced today. i guess i was made stronger from both my unnatural and natural parts connecting with the world yesterday. it felt horrible, like I was being disemboweled all over again, as the unnatural emotions came forth.

it is my goal to be a musician in life, and i guess that means I must embrace the unnatural.

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