http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJoLNAlEqWk&feature=related
emma,
this world sickens me. well, not the world. me. i know i don't belong here. i know i was truly a mistake.
i don't know my purpose anymore. i know what it's supposed to be, but i just don't know anymore. i don't.
the one thing that's for sure is that someday it will end. and then i will see you again.
someone will miss me, so I hope it's not for a while.
someone put meaning in my life, emma. it was extraordinary. you saw it. and then someone left. leaving me with my own meaning. which is,
NOTHING.
i can hear the void calling, I can feel the people begging me to fall.
i know i was not meant to be.
but i will not follow your way. there is too much hatred in my heart for that.
and in the end, i still have that drive, somewhere. to succeed. it will take me through college, and i might just succeed
i've gotten so much worse, sis.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
so much death
i'm useless to my best friend because i'm stupid
also
i went to the emma party and when my keystone left the water came gushing out and i cried and everyone watched and it wasn't even my own party. i'm such a noob, emma.
then they went to sing rocky horror picture show and showtunes
i don't sing, and i don't know any of that stuff
the rain felt glorious. it felt like a big hug. i felt one with the storminess of it all, she and i were one once again
i hope she rains more, it's so glorious
also
i went to the emma party and when my keystone left the water came gushing out and i cried and everyone watched and it wasn't even my own party. i'm such a noob, emma.
then they went to sing rocky horror picture show and showtunes
i don't sing, and i don't know any of that stuff
the rain felt glorious. it felt like a big hug. i felt one with the storminess of it all, she and i were one once again
i hope she rains more, it's so glorious
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
emma von euler has been dead for one year
all i really have to say is that after one year of this, i'm more like her (as she is now) than I am like the rest of you.
i was never one of you
but now i'm not even sure that i am alive in the same way that you are
whatever
the less i am like this world of murderers and fiends, the better.
i was never one of you
but now i'm not even sure that i am alive in the same way that you are
whatever
the less i am like this world of murderers and fiends, the better.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
5:04 AM
and that's when I started writing it
I'm not even thinking about Emma
I'm just broken
broken in the head
maybe it's the bipolar. idk. i didn't have this problem before
or my sleep schedule which is even more toast than usual. i took a nap yesterday that i got up from at 2.
but even then... should be getting tired by now.
oh god im supposed to hang out with my best friend today.
this is gonna be a disaster
I'm not even thinking about Emma
I'm just broken
broken in the head
maybe it's the bipolar. idk. i didn't have this problem before
or my sleep schedule which is even more toast than usual. i took a nap yesterday that i got up from at 2.
but even then... should be getting tired by now.
oh god im supposed to hang out with my best friend today.
this is gonna be a disaster
Monday, May 31, 2010
death walking terror
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hq2W-b2nMYI
I had the following conversation with mom a little less than a month ago
Me: I just feel... dead, since that day.
Mom: That's normal, Andrew. Part of you dies when someone else dies. But you're still here.
Me: No, Mom, you don't get it! I died on June 17, 2009!
I seem to be alive. My heart seems to be working, my lungs are breathing, and I'm here writing this blog. However, it's like 3:20 in the morning.
I can't fucking sleep. I lost the ability to sleep okay ever since she died. Even when I exercise myself into exhaustion I lie there eyes wide open. It's getting worse. It's 3:20 in the morning and a host of demons is keeping me awake. I had a coffee and a coke during and after dinner, and caffeine can make me a little restless.
But these days, it doesn't make a difference. Sleep is nearly impossible no matter what.
I can't really eat either. I'm not an anorexic. I don't put myself into self-mutilating expectations of perfection through death and live for the pang of hunger. There is simply no pang of hunger. Today, I ate 3 donuts and had a few glasses of milk, and that's it until dinner. I went out with my dad, and at that point I was actually feeling hungry, so I wolfed down hot and sour soup, a sushi item called Dragon Ball (i had never ordered something so fast in my life), and whatever Dad couldn't finish of his meal, then went to Las Vetas and said hi to the pretty girl working there and got me a big cupcake! Sometimes I get hungry. Other times the idea of eating is just not appetizing. Mom says dying people are like that.
At what point does it stop being life and start being walking death?
I guess I "accepted" Emma's death a few weeks ago. I was with a friend who, as much as I love her, had no idea what she was talking about. She tried to tell me that I wasn't even trying to fight my grief. Anyone who hasn't talked to me this past year would probably agree with her based on what they know - however I'm not here to please them, I know I'm right, and I know that I was fighting it. However, what she said made me wonder - can I actually finish this off? I had come under the impression that there would be no end to this torment.
And it happened like a wind blowing over me... her burial. She was dead in the ground. And I walked on. Although it still pains me greatly that Emma's dead, I don't think about her ALL THE TIME like I used to. I get up and think about whatever, and practice and stuff. I'd say I think about her once every, half hour or so?
But what creature walked out of the graveyard? Not a Father Mackenzie, wiping the dirt off his hands. It doesn't work like that for people.
I'm different. Spiteful. With self-esteem, but a great deal of rage and enmity towards things in general. A lot of malice, a lot of misery. The capacity for optimism, but a great well of agony within.
It's not like Emma's the only thing that really bothers me. I have however many years middle/high school was of being treated like a retard by everyone under my belt, my home life is in tatters, and I actually do have Asperger's (it's mild autism) so I get a headache whenever I walk across a room.
I have the tools to overcome all the misery that was basically all I know... I think I can come back to life.
But look what this did to me. Look at what I am. I'm more like her than I am like you.
I had the following conversation with mom a little less than a month ago
Me: I just feel... dead, since that day.
Mom: That's normal, Andrew. Part of you dies when someone else dies. But you're still here.
Me: No, Mom, you don't get it! I died on June 17, 2009!
I seem to be alive. My heart seems to be working, my lungs are breathing, and I'm here writing this blog. However, it's like 3:20 in the morning.
I can't fucking sleep. I lost the ability to sleep okay ever since she died. Even when I exercise myself into exhaustion I lie there eyes wide open. It's getting worse. It's 3:20 in the morning and a host of demons is keeping me awake. I had a coffee and a coke during and after dinner, and caffeine can make me a little restless.
But these days, it doesn't make a difference. Sleep is nearly impossible no matter what.
I can't really eat either. I'm not an anorexic. I don't put myself into self-mutilating expectations of perfection through death and live for the pang of hunger. There is simply no pang of hunger. Today, I ate 3 donuts and had a few glasses of milk, and that's it until dinner. I went out with my dad, and at that point I was actually feeling hungry, so I wolfed down hot and sour soup, a sushi item called Dragon Ball (i had never ordered something so fast in my life), and whatever Dad couldn't finish of his meal, then went to Las Vetas and said hi to the pretty girl working there and got me a big cupcake! Sometimes I get hungry. Other times the idea of eating is just not appetizing. Mom says dying people are like that.
At what point does it stop being life and start being walking death?
I guess I "accepted" Emma's death a few weeks ago. I was with a friend who, as much as I love her, had no idea what she was talking about. She tried to tell me that I wasn't even trying to fight my grief. Anyone who hasn't talked to me this past year would probably agree with her based on what they know - however I'm not here to please them, I know I'm right, and I know that I was fighting it. However, what she said made me wonder - can I actually finish this off? I had come under the impression that there would be no end to this torment.
And it happened like a wind blowing over me... her burial. She was dead in the ground. And I walked on. Although it still pains me greatly that Emma's dead, I don't think about her ALL THE TIME like I used to. I get up and think about whatever, and practice and stuff. I'd say I think about her once every, half hour or so?
But what creature walked out of the graveyard? Not a Father Mackenzie, wiping the dirt off his hands. It doesn't work like that for people.
I'm different. Spiteful. With self-esteem, but a great deal of rage and enmity towards things in general. A lot of malice, a lot of misery. The capacity for optimism, but a great well of agony within.
It's not like Emma's the only thing that really bothers me. I have however many years middle/high school was of being treated like a retard by everyone under my belt, my home life is in tatters, and I actually do have Asperger's (it's mild autism) so I get a headache whenever I walk across a room.
I have the tools to overcome all the misery that was basically all I know... I think I can come back to life.
But look what this did to me. Look at what I am. I'm more like her than I am like you.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
unnatural
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAq8TKSS8FY summarizes me right now. the music, not the lyrics, of course :)
....
my old friends are all coming back from college this week. last year i would have been like ahhh ohmygoddd!! but that was last year.
what's different between now and then? the end of emma von euler. and my being unnatural as a result.
even when my best friend came back from college in october, i was counting the days down. now i'm really not, even though she's back tomorrow.
what's different between now and then? the fact that death is irreversible. and the fact that my unnaturalness is the same way.
yesterday, I went to a memorial thing at FLHS for Emma dearest. about 10 minutes of it was people singing things and playing things and doing things. all of it, like the poisonously natural air around me, was just one big haze. but then the other 10 minutes of it was unscheduled, it was Mr. von Euler's turn to speak.
his voice had a powerful inflection to it. it was the voice of someone who has been ripped to pieces. it was the same tone of my voice that goes on in my internal monologue constantly. it was an unnatural tone. it was beautiful, it was the first time something in your world occurred that I, despite my being unnatural, actually understood.
drunk with unnaturalness, I met Emma's parents, and walked off to Las Vetas to get a shake to cool off. so inebriated was i with the unnaturalness of the man's voice and the unnaturalness of why we had to have a memorial in the first place that I would occasionally stop walking to try to take it in. during one of these interludes, I felt a natural touch on my shoulder. it was my natural friend, and we naturally helped each other out.
in the end, parts of me are still human. my body is still that of a human (unless you consult Leviticus or Cure Autism Now), and it's wired for natural things. like love, happiness, friendship.
but my mind is more and more unnatural these days, and doesn't understand natural things. it wants one thing, and one thing alone - emma von euler. the rest is nothing.
for reasons entirely unknown to me, i practiced today. i guess i was made stronger from both my unnatural and natural parts connecting with the world yesterday. it felt horrible, like I was being disemboweled all over again, as the unnatural emotions came forth.
it is my goal to be a musician in life, and i guess that means I must embrace the unnatural.
:\
....
my old friends are all coming back from college this week. last year i would have been like ahhh ohmygoddd!! but that was last year.
what's different between now and then? the end of emma von euler. and my being unnatural as a result.
even when my best friend came back from college in october, i was counting the days down. now i'm really not, even though she's back tomorrow.
what's different between now and then? the fact that death is irreversible. and the fact that my unnaturalness is the same way.
yesterday, I went to a memorial thing at FLHS for Emma dearest. about 10 minutes of it was people singing things and playing things and doing things. all of it, like the poisonously natural air around me, was just one big haze. but then the other 10 minutes of it was unscheduled, it was Mr. von Euler's turn to speak.
his voice had a powerful inflection to it. it was the voice of someone who has been ripped to pieces. it was the same tone of my voice that goes on in my internal monologue constantly. it was an unnatural tone. it was beautiful, it was the first time something in your world occurred that I, despite my being unnatural, actually understood.
drunk with unnaturalness, I met Emma's parents, and walked off to Las Vetas to get a shake to cool off. so inebriated was i with the unnaturalness of the man's voice and the unnaturalness of why we had to have a memorial in the first place that I would occasionally stop walking to try to take it in. during one of these interludes, I felt a natural touch on my shoulder. it was my natural friend, and we naturally helped each other out.
in the end, parts of me are still human. my body is still that of a human (unless you consult Leviticus or Cure Autism Now), and it's wired for natural things. like love, happiness, friendship.
but my mind is more and more unnatural these days, and doesn't understand natural things. it wants one thing, and one thing alone - emma von euler. the rest is nothing.
for reasons entirely unknown to me, i practiced today. i guess i was made stronger from both my unnatural and natural parts connecting with the world yesterday. it felt horrible, like I was being disemboweled all over again, as the unnatural emotions came forth.
it is my goal to be a musician in life, and i guess that means I must embrace the unnatural.
:\
Friday, April 23, 2010
swimming
yesterday, i went swimming. it's hard to be motivated enough to put my body through that, so due to the events of last week/weekend it's been a little while.
but i did it.
swimming is a nice time capsule for me. i haven't really done it since i was a little kid, so memories hit me like a freight train the moment I enter the recplex. memories of being much shorter relative to the lockers. memories of the curious smell of chlorine. memories of being lost in my own little kid imagination world. the years where i simply didn't understand why someone would commit suicide. such a different outlook from now. i even remember the summer after, was it 5th grade? where i'd have my mind on my favorite video game of the time. it was all fun. i was making an overly elaborate site on Dreamweaver that summer. i just loved to tinker around with things.
lolz. life was so fun before middle school.
getting in the water is amazing. every time i rinse off beforehand with hot water, i scold myself because I know the water will feel even colder when I get in there. but really that lasts for about half a second. before i know it i'm flying and it's lovely.
if i had become a swimmer things would have been much different. it's a little late. oh well, music is cool too
just being in the water feels absolutely right. it's like i'm in touch with something much greater. it feels almost like i'm playing music. it's just so sacred.
my very best friend also loves the water and being in the water. our bond is uncanny, and i'm guessing the two are very related.
swimming is one of the few reasons i like being alive :)
but i did it.
swimming is a nice time capsule for me. i haven't really done it since i was a little kid, so memories hit me like a freight train the moment I enter the recplex. memories of being much shorter relative to the lockers. memories of the curious smell of chlorine. memories of being lost in my own little kid imagination world. the years where i simply didn't understand why someone would commit suicide. such a different outlook from now. i even remember the summer after, was it 5th grade? where i'd have my mind on my favorite video game of the time. it was all fun. i was making an overly elaborate site on Dreamweaver that summer. i just loved to tinker around with things.
lolz. life was so fun before middle school.
getting in the water is amazing. every time i rinse off beforehand with hot water, i scold myself because I know the water will feel even colder when I get in there. but really that lasts for about half a second. before i know it i'm flying and it's lovely.
if i had become a swimmer things would have been much different. it's a little late. oh well, music is cool too
just being in the water feels absolutely right. it's like i'm in touch with something much greater. it feels almost like i'm playing music. it's just so sacred.
my very best friend also loves the water and being in the water. our bond is uncanny, and i'm guessing the two are very related.
swimming is one of the few reasons i like being alive :)
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Waka Laka - it's what's for Osaka
Serious blog:
You know I'm doing my college audition in a few days and on cure autism now and all that bologna they used to have pictures of people like me and there were puzzle pieces missing as if we're not complete human beings. my best friend doesn't even think I'm on the spectrum even though I spent my life listening to my dad tell me how in most respects I'm inferior to most people. who should I believe anymore!??!?!? all I know is that I get a big headache even from walking across the room, presumably from my malformed cerebellum failing to organize all the data of the moving objects around me, and that I'm auditioning at the Manhattan School of Music and Mannes College next week. i think i should believe ME that i have some issues with my head but exceeding all expectations from the bad people i managed to overcome them and do this and I'm just as human as the next person.
i'm strangely calm. it's a big deal, but I know that I've done bigger things than prep for music school this year, and simply inhaling the freezing air of existence is more difficult than any order of practice. this year has given me strength, but that of a madman who walks between worlds. so be it.
Real version:
WAKA LAKA SO MAGICAL AND TENDER
MUSIC LOVE AND WONDER FANTASY
WAKA LAKAS A NEVER ENDING STORY
GLORY GLORY GLORY (GLORY GLORY GLORY)
WAKA LAKAS A PLACE TO BE FOREVER
WAKA LAKA LOVE AND
WAKA LAKA LOVE AND
WAKA LAKA LOVE AND FANTASY!! :D
You know I'm doing my college audition in a few days and on cure autism now and all that bologna they used to have pictures of people like me and there were puzzle pieces missing as if we're not complete human beings. my best friend doesn't even think I'm on the spectrum even though I spent my life listening to my dad tell me how in most respects I'm inferior to most people. who should I believe anymore!??!?!? all I know is that I get a big headache even from walking across the room, presumably from my malformed cerebellum failing to organize all the data of the moving objects around me, and that I'm auditioning at the Manhattan School of Music and Mannes College next week. i think i should believe ME that i have some issues with my head but exceeding all expectations from the bad people i managed to overcome them and do this and I'm just as human as the next person.
i'm strangely calm. it's a big deal, but I know that I've done bigger things than prep for music school this year, and simply inhaling the freezing air of existence is more difficult than any order of practice. this year has given me strength, but that of a madman who walks between worlds. so be it.
Real version:
WAKA LAKA SO MAGICAL AND TENDER
MUSIC LOVE AND WONDER FANTASY
WAKA LAKAS A NEVER ENDING STORY
GLORY GLORY GLORY (GLORY GLORY GLORY)
WAKA LAKAS A PLACE TO BE FOREVER
WAKA LAKA LOVE AND
WAKA LAKA LOVE AND
WAKA LAKA LOVE AND FANTASY!! :D
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